Tomorrow, tomorrow…

Holy cripes and criminy! The big moment is a mere 13 hours and 46 minutes away. We have to be admitted at about 6am to get all readied up for the big operation.

I asked some questions of the Doctor today, can I die? Lol. Can Bren watch the procedure, can he take video of the actual birth? (That’s a no…) Photo’s only. Then we went to the movies for the first time as a family to see Toy Story 3, Sienna was great! She’s definitely ready to go to the cinemas now. Even though she needed to use the toilet twice during the movie, we rewarded her with some ice-cream afterwards. Mmmm!

Work stuff is organised I think, clothes are somewhat sorted, The Chicken is at Mum’s tonight… Here’s where I got blubbery. When The Chicken was about to leave, I gave her a kiss and suddenly her little eyes squeezed together, her mouth dropped into a tiny mountain and a tear squished along the bridge of her nose. I said: “Sisi, what’s wrong?”

“Mummy… I want you.” 10 cuddles later. “Mummy, I need one more cuddle…” Of course I was saying things like: “I’ll see you tomorrow, you’re having a sleep over party! Paint me a picture ok?” but none of it seemed to work. It was as though she was saying good-bye to ‘us’. The the very idea of just the three of us. Perhaps this is how I feel, worried that she’ll think my possibly lesser personal attention in future will mean the worst- We don’t love her as much anymore.

I hate palming her off to grandparents at the moment, though we do it all the time. Oddly i’m not too worried about the birth, and the idea of having a ‘Baby Brother’ are still words with the promise of something inevitable, even though I can feel him edging around in there. How she feels about the whole tirade, her fragmented understanding of it, is the main concern to me I think. This isn’t even the longest time I have been away from her! We’ve been on holidays without her for a week in the past! This time though, her routine world will be tumbled upside down.

The more I write those things down, the more unpredictable they seem, and I guess, silly. This is a time for rejoice! We will be a complete family! Basically, I should go now and ensure that all the controllable things are in line for tomorrow morning. Everything else will happen and we will deal with it and learn from it and we’ll meet our little Son.

She will still be my favourite girl in the whole world, and she knows it. So no more sad energy, Mummy! Get the cameras ready for the first meeting.

(Is it wrong to hope that Bren will buy me one of those 12 year old bottles of bourbon as a present?) For after I finish breastfeeding, promise!

Wish us wellbeing!


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